My Parents Need Help. When and How Do I Start the Conversation?
When do you know that your aging parent needs in-home care?
Are they leaving bills unpaid, or paying them twice?
Does the refrigerator have spoiled food in it?
Are they losing weight?
Have they stopped socializing for no apparent reason?
Have their personal hygiene habits changed?
Is the house less clean or organized than normal?
All these can be indicators that they are coping less well with life’s demands and perhaps need in-home care from a paid caregiver. I can help you answer these questions during an initial consultation call.
If you come to the conclusion that outside help is needed, the next step is to have a conversation with your parent(s). This is frequently the first and often times most difficult challenge adult children face with their aging parent.
Common concerns about help for aging parents
Sometimes the need for help is obvious and you are both on the same page. But sometimes the need is less dramatic and they can’t see their decline as clearly as you can. One of my specialties is helping my elderly clients and their children navigate this challenging transition smoothly and with less emotional upset.
Does any of this sound familiar?
My Mom worries that she is going to be a burden to me.
My Dad is fiercely independent and thinks that any help will take away his independence.
My Mom is super stubborn and no matter what I say, she says there is no way she’ll let someone come help her. She thinks she is fine, and she isn’t.
They don’t want their privacy invaded.
They know they need help but are really nervous about having a stranger in their home.
My Mom gets so angry with me when she thinks I know what’s best for her, but I do. She’s not thinking so clearly anymore.
I want them to be happy; I know they don’t want help, but I really believe that a caregiver will make life better for them.
I’ve been through this process many times. And there are some consistent trends.
Finding help for aging parents (Photo by Cristina Serí on Unsplash)
Understand where your parent’s feelings are coming from
Understanding why your parent may be feeling this way can help you come up with strategies to help them.
What was their relationship like with their aging parents?
Were their parents a “burden” for them, or a joy?
Were they more judgmental about their parents’ loss of independence or more compassionate?
We often find that a parent’s attitude about someone else getting older and requiring more help can be a predictor of what their attitude about their own aging process will be. Being sensitive to and understanding of this can help as you talk with your parents about your concerns.
Try these tools to make the conversation easier
Here are just a few tools you can try out if you run into resistance:
Let them know how much it would ease your mind
Start small
Let them know how grateful you are that they have looked out for you for so long; now it’s your turn to look out for them
Tell them that a caregiver can increase their independence (potentially they’ll be able to get out more often)
Remind them how often in their life CHANGE (which this is) has led to better things
I would be happy to talk with you about how to approach your parents when you begin to see the need for help. We can brainstorm strategies, timing, even language. You know that they will be better off with some support; we just need to help them realize what is best for them. Once they agree with you, finding a caregiver will be easy.
Westchester Senior Home Care is here to help you through the entire process. Contact us today to arrange a free consultation.