Balancing Aging Parents and a Growing Family: Easing the Challenges of the Sandwich Generation
Ham and cheese is fine, peanut butter and jelly is okay, but being caught in the middle between aging parents and a growing family – now that can be a real challenge!
If you are reading this, you know who you are:
you have children with busy schedules and emotional needs
your parents are no longer quite so independent; more and more they need your help with things they previously handled on their own and they are counting on you to provide that help
Being in the “sandwich generation” can be both very challenging, and also an opportunity for wonderful family time. Westchester Senior Home Care can help with the challenge, but before we get to that, I want to focus for a moment on the opportunities:
a chance for your children to spend more time with their grandparents and to experience being caregivers themselves, in whatever way they can (playing a card game with grandma is a form of caregiving)
a chance for you to get to know your parents in a different capacity, and also for them to get to know you in that way
a chance to have some very loving, precious time and conversation with them as they face both diminished capabilities and their own mortality
Finding more time for your parents to spend with your children is rewarding and challenging! (Photo by Isaac Quesada on Unsplash)
Now, back to the challenge: you have children with homework, after school sports and activities, AND your parents need more help. And on top of all this, during the Covid-19 pandemic, you are home alone, without the natural check-ins of church, neighbors, and activities.
How do you be the parent you want to be to your children AND the child you want to be to your parents? For some of us, looking out for our parents is solely motivated by genuine love and concern; for others, it can be done out of obligation, even guilt. And for many of us, it’s a mixture; it’s often hard to determine what our motivation is. This only adds to the stress of being in the sandwich generation.
How to ease the demands of being in the Sandwich Generation
So, what are some of the actions you can do to alleviate the demands of being that sandwich?
Ask for help from other family members, neighbors or friends.
Remember – perfection is not needed or attainable. Sufficient is good.
Explore a more flexible work schedule or family medical leave.
Decide the types of things that are negotiable. Choose the battleground issues carefully, and then stick with them. What can slide, what can’t, which activity can be skipped, which one can’t? Save your emotional and physical energy for the most important conversations or activities.
PLAN, PLAN, PLAN – make lists of to do’s, consolidate tasks and trips, remove or delegate tasks to someone else. It may seem like it takes more time to write everything down, but it helps – A LOT!
Take time for yourself; every day include something you look forward to, something that nurtures you. It could be outside your home, like lunch with friends, or something much more mundane but equally nurturing, like time to watch a favorite TV show, read a book or take a walk. The important thing is to do it in the context of “this is time for me.” I know this is easier said than done – but it is critical for you to nourish yourself in whatever ways you can and to build that into your daily schedule.
Set boundaries – how much and what will you do, and at what point will you insist on outside help.
Community resources for aging in place
Look for local community resources. Here are some options:
Your local Agency on Aging (a federal program with varied programs)
Your church or local government – for services offered to seniors
In Northern Westchester County, The Boxwood Alliance offers resources for aging in place.
Hire a professional for the things that require either more time than you have (for e.g., a caregiver or geriatric care manager) or are beyond your skill set (for e.g., a financial planner).
The most important thing to remember: your ability to provide for your aging parents AND your children is equal to your capacity to take care of yourself. If you don’t tend to what you need, the caregiving you provide may be compromised as well.
Please call me if you would like to talk; we can discuss some workable approaches to take with your parents and come up with a plan for the beginning steps to implement one.